Friday, August 17, 2012

Friday, July 22, 2011

American Apparel Ads From Hell

Dedicated to the only company who thinks its a good idea to use what looks like a 13 year old naked chick to sell a shitty canvas bag.

American Apparel is an extraordinarily pervasive company. And boy, do they put the "perv" in pervasive. We all probably own at least one American Apparel item, probably a T-shirt, since a million companies print their designs on American Apparel's cheap and homegrown tees. My problem is not with their t-shirts and socks. I like t-shirts and socks. I'll even throw on a pair of American Apparel shorts once in a while. But there comes a point when edgy advertising meets borderline pedophilic porn and, my dear friends, we are at that point. I do not mind seeing boobies, or crotch when the time calls for it. But I do not want to turn the page of a magazine and see this:

A. The guy is disgusting and hairy. B. There is an 18 year old licking his balls through his nasty gray underwear. What are they selling here? Ball freshener? Please American Apparel. Stop. This is enough to make me lose my breakfast, and I am not easily grossed out. Here's a tip. If you're going to show people having sex, make porn. Sell it as porn. This is America, people love porn! Why do you think the internet was invented? American Porn can be your new name, and you'd probably make a ton of money. But if I'm perusing a fashion magazine, I don't want to see blowjobs, I want to see Chanel. And secondly, the male viewpoint of these ads creeps me out even more. They're like glorified cell phone shots that douchebags post of their exes on The only difference? These girls are WILLING to be photographed and put on a billboard licking someones balls. To sell shitty cotton underwear. I'm sorry, but these models' parents failed big-time somewhere along the lines of raising their children. Let's move on shall we? I'm going to take you on a fabulous journey through the perverted world of American Apparel Ads. And as slutty as their womens fashions are, their mens "fashions" are scary on a whole new level. Enjoy. (fair warning- close your browser now if you are easily offended, do not like gratuitous pubic hair or are wary of crotch shots)

Hi. This is not an underwear ad. This is a picture of your crack. And if you're going to take such pictures, for Gods sake GROOM! Have you ever heard of waxing? It's not hard. Even a razor will work. Better yet? Just close your fucking legs. PS. I CAN SEE YOUR VAGINAL OPENING. It's not pretty. Put it away.

Hmm.. Micromesh... Why do I suddenly feel like I'm in a Peaches video?

Nice Bush! It really pulls together your outfit.

Have we met before? You look familiar somehow. Ohhhh.. I'ts coming back to me now, you went to UCSB didn't you!?

Well we all know that stirrup socks are common masturbation attire. You didn't know that? Where have you been? Living under a rock? Go get a pair and rub one out!

This is the highly coveted jiffy pop boxer look. How nice of this guy to take time out of his busy law clerk life and model them for us! Without his unimpressive bulge helping us out, I don't know how we would have visualized these beauties in their full glory.

This is a peach of an ad that ran in Mexico. Just in case American girls didn't have a slutty enough reputation around the world, thanks American Apparel for setting the record straight!

Hitchhiking maybe.

Common beer drinking stature.

Is it just me or does this have a decidedly "Emily Rose" Feel to it? I don't know but if I came home to find that on my coffee table I'd get the hell out of Dodge.

Interesting advertising ploy. To sell pants, don't even show the pants. Show naked girl taking off pants, rolling around in dirty sheets. How long are they? What style are the legs? WHO CARES!? This chick is naked. If they're good enough for some whore in LA, they're good enough for me.

Meet Lauren Phoenix. She's a porn star. She too likes to masturbate wearing tube socks. It's amazing how sexy socks are these days. If you buy tube socks, you might look like this when you masturbate. But probably not. You probably still look like this:

Most men probably only know Amerian Apparel as primo monkey-spank material. But there are a few men who actually wear the clothing. Now I'm not talking about the T-shirt. Like I said before the unfortunate fact is that most everyone owns at least ONE American Apparel T-shirt. No, not the shirts, I'm talking about the shiny shorts, the sheer pedophile tunics, the man-leotards.

At any rate, the men who wear American Apparel clothing are hipstery pieces of shit. Like this guy. Look at his ironic facial hair and vintage smokey glasses. Literally every dude who models for American Apparel could have a page dedicated to them on

Case in point: This guy. I feel like he should come with a sex offender nametag. "My name is Bob and I am a Sex Offender"--- Chorus "Hi Bob". This shirt should come with creeper-van accessories. Like window black-out paper and vintage duct tape. Pre-teen victim sold seperately.

So comes the question. Is American Apparel's goal to turn our society into one of creepers and victims? The dude who started the company is named Dov Charney and he's been slapped with more sexual harrassment charges than Arnold Schwarzenegger. And he's Canadian. Nuff said. AMERICAN APPAREL was started by a pervert from another country. Taken from his Wikipedia Bio: "In 2004, Claudine Ko of Jane magazine published an essay narrating multiple sexual exchanges that occurred while spending time with Charney. The article alleged that Charney consistently propositioned his employees. Charney admitted that he repeatedly referred to women as "sluts" and "cunts" in front of employees, in a deposition on another sexual harassment case, and denied that "slut" was a derogatory term."


Perfect. Well hipsters, if that's not ironic, I don't know what is.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

In Honor of Spring, CUTE ANIMALS!

Since it is that time of year again, when baby birds and bunnies are bumbling around our gardens, it is time to celebrate the existence of all that is cute! Here, if nothing else these'll make you smile!